On Being Grateful even when you don't feel grateful

October 10,2022

It’s so easy to feel gratitude when the obvious wonderful things happen. I still get a flush of joy and gratitude when I wake up to find daffodil’s or roses lovingly placed next to my morning coffee by my significant other. This is unexpectedly wonderful.

However, at times- most times- if we are honest, life is unpredictable and often very challenging. The unexpected is actually painful. Each day we’re faced with obstacles that test our ability to cope well with difficulties. It’s easy to get angry, scared, or resentful and forget about gratitude for the good things in our life. As a result of chronic stress (i.e., living with someone who is toxic, living with chronic illness, living in poverty levels. etc,) our brains try and protect us- and it does -in the form of fight flight or freeze. It begins to pick out of our environment supporting evidence that there is more to be afraid of and we even start feeling anxious or fearful when there is no discernable “thing” to fear. We fear and our brain begins to filter out anything that even remotely triggers the “oh no” feeling… that sense of impending doom and focuses on that in order to protect you. After a while our worlds feel out of balance, like nothing good ever happens. I promise you, even in the most stressful, scary lives, there are positive things happening that balance it out. Unfortunately, our brains have forgotten to notice them. We have to be “on purpose” about finding gratitude, finding beauty or focusing on things that feel good or peaceful… in short, considering what is going right. and holding gratitude for those things on a regular basis.

Consider these easy gratitude practices when you need support in challenging times:

1. Include an act of kindness in your day. Think about the last time you did something kind for someone. How did it make you feel? It probably felt fantastic. We are wired for connection. Yet when we’re going through a stressful or difficult period in our life, we get so self-centered and focused on self-pity that we rarely stop to think about others. This is precisely why we need to break away from this negative mindset by doing something kind.

○ Who is the most deserving of my simple act of kindness today? Who has shown me support and love lately? What can I do to honor their support and affection? What did I do to show someone I was happy when they walked in the room? Instead of rolling my eyes at the slow checker in a grocery store, did I do my best to neutralize their stress by cracking a joke or actually saying something kind to them about how they are handling a stressful situation.

○ By being kind and generous to others, you create a greater sense of connection that generates a more positive outlook on life. You feel better about yourself.

○ Perhaps the kindest thing you can do for someone else, and consequently for yourself is give the gift of forgiveness. No one is perfect. We know that. We mistakenly think that forgiving someone is giving them a pass – saying that it doesn’t matter that they hurt you. In fact, that is not so. Forgiving does not mean having warm and fuzzy feelings for someone that hurt or abused you in any way. Forgiveness says, “I am no longer willing to hold on to the pain of this. I am moving forward and will no longer return to feelings of anger or resentment. Not because they deserve it, but because I deserve to be free of the past and not define my future by it. I deserve peace.” Forgiveness is not so much for the other person as it is for you.

2. Say thank you for the little things. When things don’t go your way and you feel like a victim of life, it can be extremely hard to feel grateful and notice things to be thankful for. Yet, there are plenty of small joys around you even on the most difficult of days. You can notice them by shifting the point of your focus.

○ What kind of blessings have I received lately? How can I show my gratitude for those blessings? Is there someone who deserves a thank you note from me?

○ Being able to say thank you for the small things helps you in shifting your focus from life’s challenges to life’s pleasures. This way, your mind expands and supports you in finding solutions and ways to get unstuck and move forward.

3. Re-frame your negativity. Challenging times bring on lots of negativity. If you struggle for any reason, you will likely start to sabotage yourself by creating sadness, falling into despair, evoking regrets, and generating tons of unproductive negative thoughts.

○ Changing your perspective is the best way to re-frame negativity. Remember that everything in life comes in the form of duality. Nothing is purely good or bad. Look at the goodness and benefits in your current struggles and try to learn from them.

○ Negative thoughts only have the power to hurt you if you let them.

4. Keep a gratitude journal. This is likely the most popular gratitude practice. It comes with a variety of benefits, including better quality sleep, increased immunity, greater levels of resilience, and improved mood. All these benefits are needed when you’re going through a tough time in life.

○ To start a gratitude journal all you need is a few moments of undisturbed time, willingness to reflect, and a way to capture your thoughts (notebook, phone, laptop).

○ You can start by reflecting on the following questions: What experiences in my life can I be grateful for? What happened lately that makes me feel thankful? What opportunities do I have today? What have the significant others in my life done that I am grateful for? What made me laugh? What made me feel loved?

○ Writing helps you to organize thoughts, process information and experiences, and supports you in accepting your challenging times by putting them in context.

I started a gratitude journal in 1999. I began writing things that made me happy, made me smile, or made me laugh. The important thing about having the journal is that your brain can’t tell the difference between what is a memory vs. what is currently happening. If you are remembering something funny, you laugh as though it’s happening again right now! That helps your brain rewire and start expecting more of the same!

5. Spread loving kindness. The practice of loving-kindness meditation is designed to emphasize the practitioner’s strength and capacity to feel unconditional gratitude as well as decreased pain symptoms, and increased gray matter related to emotional regulation.

○ Besides opening your heart to appreciation, this tool is great for building lasting compassion and empathy towards yourself and others. Compassion is crucial if you’re looking to reduce stress and overcome obstacles in your life.

○ Loving-kindness meditation serves as a tool for creating unconditional, inclusive love that leads to true wisdom. The love created this way has no conditions and it doesn’t need to be deserved in any way.

Everyone struggles, gets stuck, and experiences difficulty. Next time you find yourself having a tough time, remember that crisis is also a wonderful growth opportunity. Embrace the challenge, enrich it with gratitude, and you’ll experience genuine growth.

For a spiritual and biblical perspective on this topic, click here:

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